Unanswered Questions

My life over the past 13 days has been defined by asking many questions, crying many tears, and being very, very angry.  I was taken over by a flood of emotions I've never experienced before and have yet to be completely released from it's throngs.  I've struggled to speak, cope, process, understand, and sometimes function all because one man, my cousin, made a choice... he made the irreversible choice to take his own life and escape his pain while leaving the rest of us to deal with it all.

My cousin took his life for reasons that elude me and the many, many friends and family members who knew him.  He hurt for reasons I will never understand.  He felt that there was no other way out.  And unfortunately he didn't understand that his choice to leave this world only magnified his pain and instead placed it all on a wife, a son, a mother, a father, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and everyone else who knew him.    

The pain that I was left with made me angry.  How in the world did he have the right to take his pain and escape while leaving me (and a whole lot of other people) left to deal with the consequences and loss of his beautiful life.  How could he?  If he only knew all the pain he caused... If he only knew how  he was loved... If only he had talked with someone about his unseen heartache.  All of these questions and "what-ifs" still beg for answers... answers that I'm beginning to realize will probably never come.  That is until I'm reunited with him in Heaven.  And oh boy, are we going to have some seriously long talks then.

So, what am I learning from this devastating experience? Suicide is something that is rarely talked about.  It's taboo.  But, having lost someone because of it, I've started to look at suicide in a different light.  I've been sifting through potential reasons why my cousin took his life and then why other people have made the same heartbreaking decision.  More often than not mental illness and depression are key factors.  Again, both topics completely misunderstood and avoided at all cost.  They have a stigma attached to them.  This stigma causes less than half of those that suffer from depression to seek out help.  So, why?  When you have a stomachache, don't you go to the doctor? When your throat hurts, don't you go to the doctor?  When you have cancer, don't you go to the doctor?  BUT, when it comes to depression... you deal with that on your own. NO!  Mental illness and depression are sicknesses like any other and should be treated as such.  It's nothing to be ashamed of!

I guess all my ramblings on are drawing me to some sort of conclusion -- that is to talk.  Talk about how you feel.  Tell someone if you don't feel right.  Don't live under the lie that says your sickness is not worthy.  Please.  Suicide is a word that I never thought would be a part of my vocabulary.  Now that this it is a very real and very current part of my life, I can confidently say that the stigma and perceived shame of admitting you have an issue that needs to be dealt with does NOT outweigh the lasting pain and heartache that comes as a result of suicide.  It's just not worth it.  Trust me.            

It's been a while...

Well, here we are again with yet another attempt to keep up on my blogging endeavours. Being that I didn't post at all in 2011, lets just not count it... it wasn't that great of a year anyways.

I thought i'd pick up the 'ol pen... er... laptop to start the posting process again and what better way to begin than to post in honour of the 4 year anniversary of my setting sail on Semester at Sea. In some ways it seems like it was only yesterday, but there are other days I try so hard to remember every little detail that it feels like forever ago! There are sometimes I wish so badly to be back on the MV... to feel the sway of the ocean... to travel and be care free... to see the world!! While it's SO easy to look back on the good-ol-days or to look forward to the great unknown possibilities, I'm learning to be content where I am. Key word there, learning -- It has been a process and its not done yet. But now, more than ever before I can say that I am happy where I'm at. I am so grateful for AMAZING memories I have from Semester at Sea and am glad I have such great friends to remember them with. I feel so blessed to have had this amazing experience and my life has changed for the better since SAS and I could not be happier for it. Semester at Sea, Spring 2008 - there will never be another voyage like ours!!

You know its winter when...

... the snot on your face freezes the second you step outside.

Once again I am in awe of just how fast this semester and my time in Ottawa has flown by. It seems like just last week we were in shorts and t-shirts biking around Ottawa and loving the vibrant green colour of summer. Now, the leaves are gone, clothing has turned into parka-ing, and the canal is well on its way to freezing over -- none of which I am all too pleased with.

I had my last day at my internship today. I am happy to be done and move on but I will miss my little family at work - we had some good times together. I learned a lot at my internship and am glad to have had the experience. Classes are over here at the mansion and all that's left is a paper and 2 exams. As a whole, this semester was not quite what I expected - lets just say that politics is no longer a potential career choice of mine. I simply don't fit in with that mindset and don't really desire to - but to all who do, more power to ya! :) Once I am done here I will fly back to California for the holidays which I am more than excited for. After that........... oh how I wish I knew! People have been telling me how exciting of a time this is and blah, blah, blah... but I beg to differ! I will say that this time would be a heck of a lot more exciting had I watered my money tree in the backyard... but alas, it died in this cold Ottawa winter. But, exciting or not it should be interesting to say the very least. I try to stay positive, at least as positive as my padre taught me to be! :)

I have kept myself busy outside the house this semster with hockey! Imagine that, hey!? A friend of mine from Ottawa gets free tickets to some of the games and I have had the opportunity to attend 4 Sens games so far. It has been a LOT of fun and I feel like a true wanna-be Canadian. And of course, the Ottawa Senators are the team of Mike Fisher who just so happens to be married to Carrie Underwood. I may or may not secretly scan the boxes for Ms. Fisher rather than watch the actual game... I also may or may not have a secret crush on Mr. Fisher. HA!

Anyhoo, that is pretty much a summary of my life in the east. I am anxious to get back out west where the sun shines and it remains above freezing for more than 2 hours a day.

Happy end of the semester to all! :)

love love love

Liz and I at my very first NHL game

Home opener - GO SENS GO!!! :)

The land of Ottawa

Well, I'm here! I arrived in Ottawa last week and have been going, going, going like crazy ever since. The house (or should I say mansion) is amazing and my housemates are just lovely! We have already had our fair share of adventures including visiting 24 Sussex (the Prime Minister's house) by bike, playing Bocce Ball on the lawn of Parliament, and just hanging out downtown in the capital city. I am slowly adjusting to the "city life" and have learned a few things: 1) how to cross the street without being hit even with the orange hand flashing at me, 2) how to use the bus system (that was a rather long process of trial and error), 3) walking around town/getting lost in heals is not a great idea, 4) the bus system does not give change, and 5) my life has simply not been complete without the honking of horns in the middle of the night. I'm sure there are many more lessons to come and I will keep you posted on my new findings. Overall I have enjoyed myself and am a fan of everything thus far!

I started my internship yesterday and it looks like its going to be an exciting and interesting semester. For the sake of confidentiality I will avoid saying specifics about where I work but will do my best to let you in on all the fun things that go down! On my first day in the office I mainly did background research on the organization in order to better understand what I was getting into. My supervisor is great and I think we will have a great semester working together - I am so looking forward to it!

Here are some photos from the first week in Ottawa! Enjoy!

love love love

Tour of Parliament - view from the Peace Tower

The Loop goes out to dinner!

Bike ride on the Ottawa River

Bike Ride to 24 Sussex

Life after grad does exist...

Jestina and I celebrating after our grad ceremony.

Celebrating with Dr. Dawn - one of the many great professors at TWU.

Jestina and I... WE DID IT!!

Parentals!!

All the girls after Baccalaureate service... prior to all the tears.

Strategic Management team with our professor and the pops!

Mom, dad, and myself at the School of Business Commissioning Ceremony.

Well, it has been a little over 2 months since I graduated from Trinity... The main question that I seem to get now is "well, what now?".... Well, since I'm pretty sure no one will believe my quest to become a unicorn trainer or flaminco dancer anymore I best get to the truth. As many of you know, I am heading to Ottawa in the fall to attend the Laurentian Leadership Centre through TWU. One of the main componants of this program is an internship in which students have the opportunity to work in a more political geared environment. I recently received my placement at the Canada Agricaulture Review Tribunal. Although I do not yet know what exactly I will be doing there, I am excited about the opportunity and am anxious to see where it will lead. As for my plans after the LLC.... well, that remains to be seen! I will keep y'all posted on where my path leads as I keep on walking. For now I am sticking it out at home working for the marketing company where I am surprisingly enjoying myself. I have been learning A LOT and have been pushed out of my comfort zone quite often which keeps my little life in the not-so-interesting-Porterville, kinda interesting... so, for now I am content but am also uber excited to see what adventures Ottawa will bring!

Hope the summer is treating you well!!

love love love

A graduate of the undergraduate sort...

Well, the time is almost here - 7 days to be exact! I, along with many others I'm sure, are wondering just how this time has come so stinking fast. My friends and I have been reminiscing recently of the good 'ol days of the previous 4 years here at Trinity and we have had some gooood laughs. Its weird how time has gone so fast, and yet cool to see how much we have changed in such a short time. I am grateful for the amazing times we have had together and am so incredibly glad that we have grown to be such good friends. I'm pretty sure this blog would be much more difficult to write if I didn't know when I was going to see most of them again. Luckily I will see most of them again when I'm back east come this fall - more on that later. Anyhoo, grad is this coming Saturday (May 1) and I'm pretty sure the fact that I have to pack up my entire Canadian life combined with whole weekend of events is going to be a whirlwind... should be a hoot!

As for plans after grad... I am headed back to the town of "P" to work for HomeGrown for the summer. The fall is looking to bring many new adventures as I head to Ottawa to participate in a more politically geared program through TWU. I'm excited for the experience that is awaiting me and am secretly glad that I don't have to head out to "the real world" just yet... shhhhh, don't tell the pa-rentals!!
Well, I should probably get back to studying for exams... if anyone was wondering, blogging is a great way of procrastinating! :) Oh, the univeristy life - I will miss thee!!

love love love

PS. The photo is from TWU's grad banquet... probably one of the best times... ever!

Good times in Hawaii... I think...

So, if any of you were wondering, I am safe and sound in Hawaii after one crazy tsunami day! We woke up to a hotel announcement of the tsunami warning telling us of the situation and advising guests to either stay in the hotel (3rd floor or above) or head for higher ground. Being that we had a group of 24 in two different hotels we decided to head to higher ground together. We were on the road by 8am and headed to Costco to get gas (and I have never seen such a ginormous line for gas at Costco) but beyond that we didn't know where to go. Side note: Our camp that has been our long-term home on the island is on the north shore so we couldn't head back there either... Anyhoo, we ended up staying at Costco (as that was one of the highest points on the island) and made camp there in the parking lot for 6 hours until the tsunami warning was cancelled around 2pm. We ironically ended up going to Waimea Bay on the North Shore right after that to chill on the beach after the stressful morning!! I have to admit that I was just a tad freaked out by the whole thing haveing never have experienced a tsunami before and all... I am glad it turned out well and no one (at least in Hawaii) was injured... thanks for all your thoughts and prayers throughout the day! It was much appreciated by everyone!
love love love