Unanswered Questions

My life over the past 13 days has been defined by asking many questions, crying many tears, and being very, very angry.  I was taken over by a flood of emotions I've never experienced before and have yet to be completely released from it's throngs.  I've struggled to speak, cope, process, understand, and sometimes function all because one man, my cousin, made a choice... he made the irreversible choice to take his own life and escape his pain while leaving the rest of us to deal with it all.

My cousin took his life for reasons that elude me and the many, many friends and family members who knew him.  He hurt for reasons I will never understand.  He felt that there was no other way out.  And unfortunately he didn't understand that his choice to leave this world only magnified his pain and instead placed it all on a wife, a son, a mother, a father, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and everyone else who knew him.    

The pain that I was left with made me angry.  How in the world did he have the right to take his pain and escape while leaving me (and a whole lot of other people) left to deal with the consequences and loss of his beautiful life.  How could he?  If he only knew all the pain he caused... If he only knew how  he was loved... If only he had talked with someone about his unseen heartache.  All of these questions and "what-ifs" still beg for answers... answers that I'm beginning to realize will probably never come.  That is until I'm reunited with him in Heaven.  And oh boy, are we going to have some seriously long talks then.

So, what am I learning from this devastating experience? Suicide is something that is rarely talked about.  It's taboo.  But, having lost someone because of it, I've started to look at suicide in a different light.  I've been sifting through potential reasons why my cousin took his life and then why other people have made the same heartbreaking decision.  More often than not mental illness and depression are key factors.  Again, both topics completely misunderstood and avoided at all cost.  They have a stigma attached to them.  This stigma causes less than half of those that suffer from depression to seek out help.  So, why?  When you have a stomachache, don't you go to the doctor? When your throat hurts, don't you go to the doctor?  When you have cancer, don't you go to the doctor?  BUT, when it comes to depression... you deal with that on your own. NO!  Mental illness and depression are sicknesses like any other and should be treated as such.  It's nothing to be ashamed of!

I guess all my ramblings on are drawing me to some sort of conclusion -- that is to talk.  Talk about how you feel.  Tell someone if you don't feel right.  Don't live under the lie that says your sickness is not worthy.  Please.  Suicide is a word that I never thought would be a part of my vocabulary.  Now that this it is a very real and very current part of my life, I can confidently say that the stigma and perceived shame of admitting you have an issue that needs to be dealt with does NOT outweigh the lasting pain and heartache that comes as a result of suicide.  It's just not worth it.  Trust me.            

It's been a while...

Well, here we are again with yet another attempt to keep up on my blogging endeavours. Being that I didn't post at all in 2011, lets just not count it... it wasn't that great of a year anyways.

I thought i'd pick up the 'ol pen... er... laptop to start the posting process again and what better way to begin than to post in honour of the 4 year anniversary of my setting sail on Semester at Sea. In some ways it seems like it was only yesterday, but there are other days I try so hard to remember every little detail that it feels like forever ago! There are sometimes I wish so badly to be back on the MV... to feel the sway of the ocean... to travel and be care free... to see the world!! While it's SO easy to look back on the good-ol-days or to look forward to the great unknown possibilities, I'm learning to be content where I am. Key word there, learning -- It has been a process and its not done yet. But now, more than ever before I can say that I am happy where I'm at. I am so grateful for AMAZING memories I have from Semester at Sea and am glad I have such great friends to remember them with. I feel so blessed to have had this amazing experience and my life has changed for the better since SAS and I could not be happier for it. Semester at Sea, Spring 2008 - there will never be another voyage like ours!!

You know its winter when...

... the snot on your face freezes the second you step outside.

Once again I am in awe of just how fast this semester and my time in Ottawa has flown by. It seems like just last week we were in shorts and t-shirts biking around Ottawa and loving the vibrant green colour of summer. Now, the leaves are gone, clothing has turned into parka-ing, and the canal is well on its way to freezing over -- none of which I am all too pleased with.

I had my last day at my internship today. I am happy to be done and move on but I will miss my little family at work - we had some good times together. I learned a lot at my internship and am glad to have had the experience. Classes are over here at the mansion and all that's left is a paper and 2 exams. As a whole, this semester was not quite what I expected - lets just say that politics is no longer a potential career choice of mine. I simply don't fit in with that mindset and don't really desire to - but to all who do, more power to ya! :) Once I am done here I will fly back to California for the holidays which I am more than excited for. After that........... oh how I wish I knew! People have been telling me how exciting of a time this is and blah, blah, blah... but I beg to differ! I will say that this time would be a heck of a lot more exciting had I watered my money tree in the backyard... but alas, it died in this cold Ottawa winter. But, exciting or not it should be interesting to say the very least. I try to stay positive, at least as positive as my padre taught me to be! :)

I have kept myself busy outside the house this semster with hockey! Imagine that, hey!? A friend of mine from Ottawa gets free tickets to some of the games and I have had the opportunity to attend 4 Sens games so far. It has been a LOT of fun and I feel like a true wanna-be Canadian. And of course, the Ottawa Senators are the team of Mike Fisher who just so happens to be married to Carrie Underwood. I may or may not secretly scan the boxes for Ms. Fisher rather than watch the actual game... I also may or may not have a secret crush on Mr. Fisher. HA!

Anyhoo, that is pretty much a summary of my life in the east. I am anxious to get back out west where the sun shines and it remains above freezing for more than 2 hours a day.

Happy end of the semester to all! :)

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Liz and I at my very first NHL game

Home opener - GO SENS GO!!! :)

The land of Ottawa

Well, I'm here! I arrived in Ottawa last week and have been going, going, going like crazy ever since. The house (or should I say mansion) is amazing and my housemates are just lovely! We have already had our fair share of adventures including visiting 24 Sussex (the Prime Minister's house) by bike, playing Bocce Ball on the lawn of Parliament, and just hanging out downtown in the capital city. I am slowly adjusting to the "city life" and have learned a few things: 1) how to cross the street without being hit even with the orange hand flashing at me, 2) how to use the bus system (that was a rather long process of trial and error), 3) walking around town/getting lost in heals is not a great idea, 4) the bus system does not give change, and 5) my life has simply not been complete without the honking of horns in the middle of the night. I'm sure there are many more lessons to come and I will keep you posted on my new findings. Overall I have enjoyed myself and am a fan of everything thus far!

I started my internship yesterday and it looks like its going to be an exciting and interesting semester. For the sake of confidentiality I will avoid saying specifics about where I work but will do my best to let you in on all the fun things that go down! On my first day in the office I mainly did background research on the organization in order to better understand what I was getting into. My supervisor is great and I think we will have a great semester working together - I am so looking forward to it!

Here are some photos from the first week in Ottawa! Enjoy!

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Tour of Parliament - view from the Peace Tower

The Loop goes out to dinner!

Bike ride on the Ottawa River

Bike Ride to 24 Sussex

Life after grad does exist...

Jestina and I celebrating after our grad ceremony.

Celebrating with Dr. Dawn - one of the many great professors at TWU.

Jestina and I... WE DID IT!!

Parentals!!

All the girls after Baccalaureate service... prior to all the tears.

Strategic Management team with our professor and the pops!

Mom, dad, and myself at the School of Business Commissioning Ceremony.

Well, it has been a little over 2 months since I graduated from Trinity... The main question that I seem to get now is "well, what now?".... Well, since I'm pretty sure no one will believe my quest to become a unicorn trainer or flaminco dancer anymore I best get to the truth. As many of you know, I am heading to Ottawa in the fall to attend the Laurentian Leadership Centre through TWU. One of the main componants of this program is an internship in which students have the opportunity to work in a more political geared environment. I recently received my placement at the Canada Agricaulture Review Tribunal. Although I do not yet know what exactly I will be doing there, I am excited about the opportunity and am anxious to see where it will lead. As for my plans after the LLC.... well, that remains to be seen! I will keep y'all posted on where my path leads as I keep on walking. For now I am sticking it out at home working for the marketing company where I am surprisingly enjoying myself. I have been learning A LOT and have been pushed out of my comfort zone quite often which keeps my little life in the not-so-interesting-Porterville, kinda interesting... so, for now I am content but am also uber excited to see what adventures Ottawa will bring!

Hope the summer is treating you well!!

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A graduate of the undergraduate sort...

Well, the time is almost here - 7 days to be exact! I, along with many others I'm sure, are wondering just how this time has come so stinking fast. My friends and I have been reminiscing recently of the good 'ol days of the previous 4 years here at Trinity and we have had some gooood laughs. Its weird how time has gone so fast, and yet cool to see how much we have changed in such a short time. I am grateful for the amazing times we have had together and am so incredibly glad that we have grown to be such good friends. I'm pretty sure this blog would be much more difficult to write if I didn't know when I was going to see most of them again. Luckily I will see most of them again when I'm back east come this fall - more on that later. Anyhoo, grad is this coming Saturday (May 1) and I'm pretty sure the fact that I have to pack up my entire Canadian life combined with whole weekend of events is going to be a whirlwind... should be a hoot!

As for plans after grad... I am headed back to the town of "P" to work for HomeGrown for the summer. The fall is looking to bring many new adventures as I head to Ottawa to participate in a more politically geared program through TWU. I'm excited for the experience that is awaiting me and am secretly glad that I don't have to head out to "the real world" just yet... shhhhh, don't tell the pa-rentals!!
Well, I should probably get back to studying for exams... if anyone was wondering, blogging is a great way of procrastinating! :) Oh, the univeristy life - I will miss thee!!

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PS. The photo is from TWU's grad banquet... probably one of the best times... ever!

Good times in Hawaii... I think...

So, if any of you were wondering, I am safe and sound in Hawaii after one crazy tsunami day! We woke up to a hotel announcement of the tsunami warning telling us of the situation and advising guests to either stay in the hotel (3rd floor or above) or head for higher ground. Being that we had a group of 24 in two different hotels we decided to head to higher ground together. We were on the road by 8am and headed to Costco to get gas (and I have never seen such a ginormous line for gas at Costco) but beyond that we didn't know where to go. Side note: Our camp that has been our long-term home on the island is on the north shore so we couldn't head back there either... Anyhoo, we ended up staying at Costco (as that was one of the highest points on the island) and made camp there in the parking lot for 6 hours until the tsunami warning was cancelled around 2pm. We ironically ended up going to Waimea Bay on the North Shore right after that to chill on the beach after the stressful morning!! I have to admit that I was just a tad freaked out by the whole thing haveing never have experienced a tsunami before and all... I am glad it turned out well and no one (at least in Hawaii) was injured... thanks for all your thoughts and prayers throughout the day! It was much appreciated by everyone!
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Pre-departure #1 and life...

As many of you know I have been given the great opportunity to travel with 26 TWU students, staff, and alumni to Hawaii to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity over spring break. We are now only 19 short days away from leaving and I could not be more excited! We have been having weekly group meetings since we retuned from Christmas break and at last weeks meeting it finally felt like we were a team. Overall, the preparation for the trip is going well and I am excited for the things to come!

On to another topic - life. Ahhhhhh, life is good! I will be graduating from TWU in April (with a degree in business and a minor in political science) and I seriously canNOT believe it! As far as plans after grad... I am still waiting to hear back on some jobs and on a possible political internship for the fall so we shall see! I am super excited about these possibilities and can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

Anyhoo, I think I have used my blogging procrastination tool long enough and should actually start on the lovely work that is due tomorrow!

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Where has the time gone...

Who would have thunk it... its already been two years since I embarked on the journey of a lifetime with Semester at Sea. I feel so blessed to have had this amazing experience and my life has changed for the better since SAS and I could not be happier for it. Semester at Sea, Spring 2008 - there will never be another voyage like ours!! :)

Surprises are my favourite...

It all started about 3 weeks ago when my Angels obsessed cousin called me with a plan... a plan to go to game 5 of the ALCS! That's right, Angels vs. Yankees wonderful-ness!!! Ahhh yes... the only catch, you ask?! Its a SURPRISE! :) While many would think this would be an easy feat being that I live 1,500 miles away, it really wasn't! There were numerous times that I had to, ahem, shall I say, stretch the truth to the parentals. My mom even saw my flight purchase on my credit card statement and thought it was merely my flight to come home for Christmas! Pfft... everyone knows I don't think THAT far ahead! Buuut, its OK mom, I'm glad you were oblivious to the obvious! :) Anyhoo, on to the surprise... Operation Halo began at 7am on October 22. I arrived in Fresno 2 short and sleepy hours later and was greeted by Alex (Angels obsessed cousin) who was wearing more red than there was on Parliament Hill for Canada Day!! Needless to say I had no trouble finding him. As we were waiting to collect my bag I mentioned in passing that my mom (who still knows nothing) was in Fresno for the day. Alex of course immediately called her and tells her he is in the area and needs to kill an hour so he would bring her some coffee. She of course, did not pass up the opportunity to down a free coffee so we were on our way! We pulled up to the office where she was waiting and summoned her to come outside. As the window rolled down, I held out the coffee to her and you could see the confusion/surprise/WHAT!?!? on her face and I believe her first words to me were 'You stinker!!' Now, I have never done this before but I hope that's normal! :) We had the chance to chat for a bit and then Alex and I (along with Lisa - the Yankee fan) were on our way to to complete the next surprise for my dad... but not without making sure my mother was sworn to secrecy for the next 2 hours before my dad saw me! (Sidenote - Although I did find out after the fact that she was THIS close to spoiling it... buuuut, she held back and blamed it on a senior moment instead!! HA!) The plan was for Alex, Lisa, my dad, and a 'friend' (aka me) to meet in Bakersfield and head down to Anaheim together. About 2 minutes before we pulled into Hodel's (the meeting point) I decided to call my dad and ask him about the game since 'I'm SO bummed that I can't go to the game with them'... He ironically answers the phone 'Hey Canada girl' (as I think, "Oh, if you only knew")... we continue our conversation as he was giving me a play-by-play of Alex and Lisa's arrival in the parking lot. He eventually opens the door to their car only to see me!! His reaction - Priceless! I don't recall any words being spoken but a step back and a cocked head (which, if you know my pops, any reaction whatsoever from him is quite the feat) said it all!! We spent the next little bit explaining how it all went down which in turn explained my mother's earlier phone call/senior moment to him! HA! It was great! The game was amazing too! We had awesome seats where me and John Lackey (and possibly Johnny Damon) became BFF! The game turned out to be quite intense and was glad I was able to experience it in person! A big thanks to Alex and Lisa for a successful/surpriseful trip home! I had a blast!

The rest of the weekend was full of sleep and the annual HGOF harvest dinner! It was a grand time with some amazing food thrown in!! All in all, a great weekend at home!

These are a few pics from the weekend! Enjoy!

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The Beginning of the End

Well, here I am again, saying hello to a new semester and year... but this time, for the last time. It is uber weird for me to think of myself as a fourth year when it feels like just yesterday my parents left me crying in the parking lot of TWU (where by they way, I was already thinking of where and when I could transfer out of this place)... Oh my how things change! :)

I have been in Langley now for a little over two weeks now and am finally beginning to feel like I'm at home again! I am living with 2 other amazing girls in an on campus apartment this year and am so excited to see what fun adventures the year will bring for us!

Classes started on Thursday and I am really excited for them! This semester will be quite busy considering that my new political science practicum and student leadership position will take up any spare time. I am super excited to 'get my toes wet' and get a sense of the political world from my practicum. I have a meeting with my practicum coordinator on Monday to hear my placement - should be exciting!

Other than that, nothing much is new in my life... I am still struggling to accept the fact that this is my last year at Trinity... and pretty soon I am going to be in the 'real world'... eek!

I hope all is well with everyone! And don't forget, if you are ever in the pacific northwest don't forget your lovely friend/niece/cousin/sister/daughter in Canada!! :) love love love

PS. Here are some photos from the past 2 weeks on campus! Enjoy!

Team McMillan at the Banana Challenge 2009

Jestina, Julia, and I at the Banana Challenge - its ok to be jealous! :)

Andrea and Josh's wedding in Wenatchee, WA!

TEJAS!!!

Wow! So disclaimer, I always somehow end up uploading the photos in reverse order... oops! I'm sure y'all will still get it!!

Anyhoo, I went on my much anticipated trip to Texas last weekend and had a blast! I went to visit one of my best friends from Semester at Sea, Anna. We mainly stayed around Waco and Austin for the weekend but there was plenty to do there. On Friday I went shopping and got the AMAZING panda (WWF) shirt that you see in some of the pics below... WHOOHOO! Saturday was our big day!! We started off in Crawford to stalk Georgie and Laura's ranch... which apparently you aren't supposed to stop, stand, or park around so we just looked while driving! And just so you know, Crawford is THE smallest town I have ever seen... 751 to be exact! WHHHAAT??!! From there we drove on to Austin to check out the Whole Foods head quarters... I know, I know... I'm my father's daughter! We had an amazing lunch there before heading over to Lockhart to visit another friend from SAS, Wes. Wes lives on a cattle ranch and we had a BLAST playing with the cows!!! We went waaaay out on his property to find a bunch of cows so we could feed them! Once we stopped they began surrounding the truck and, I'm not gunna lie, I was a tad frightened! BUUUUUUT, all was well once we shared the food! They are soo cute, especially the babies! The next day it was time for me to leave... but not before we went to Austin's one and only Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where I took the wrong drink... woopsie!!! Whatever it was, was uber good! Before heading to the airport we also stopped by Swirl, an amazing self-serve (that was my favourite part) frozen yogurt place! Yummmm! Overall though the trip was really good! It was great to see Anna and Wes and the memories are endless! I always feel so at home when I'm around SAS friends and I can't wait for our next reunion! :)
Enjoy the pics!
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Anna and I saying goodbye at the airport

The SASers - Anna, me, Wes

Cute cow!!

'No standing, stopping, parking' ... Oh Georgie

Oh yes... its real!!

Gehetto HEB!! HA!

SWIRL!!

Summer Time

So I have now been home for almost 6 weeks and I thought it was about time for a little update on life...
Although Porterville was not the ideal place to spend my summer it is working out just fine. I have been quite busy working for the marketing company and taking 2 online summer courses through Trinity. No world travelling plans for the summer but here are some exciting highlights of the past few weeks.
Another SAS milestone came a while back... May 9th was the anniversary of our disembarkation of the MV Explorer. It is so strange to think about... I can no longer say "a year ago today I was (insert exotic country here)." I am so thankful for my friends from the ship though - the memories always seem like yesterday when I talk to them! Later this month (actually in 19 days - but who's counting) I will be going to Texas to visit one of my best friends from the ship! Its going to be pretty much amazing!!!
I also celebrated my 21st birthday on May 4. My dad arranged for us to go to the coast for the weekend and celebrate my legality by going wine tasting (that was my idea though). Come to find out, I'm not the biggest fan of wine but hey, it was fun! My favewit cousin Etweeeee surprised me by spending the weekend with us as well. :) THANKS ETWEEEEE!
Anyhoo, I'm off!
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Reading Week in Ottawa!

Here is a little glimps into my adventures in Ottawa this past week. We had a ton of fun and actually learned a few things about the Canadian government. I was actually able to sit in on questioning period of the House of Commons... it is basically a time for each party to tear apart the other. I found it quite interesting to say the least and who knows, maybe I will end up there with my internship!! HA! Another big experience for me was the bitter cold that I have experienced this past week. Today it got down to -20 but with the windchill it turned out to be -30. If you know ANYTHING about me, you know I do NOT do cold... so that is probably my one and only complaint! Anyhoo, we fly back to the west coast tomorrow morning and head back to hit the books... oh joy! These are a few pictures from the week... enjoy!!

We are Sparta(ns)!

This past weekend TWU was able to host both the mens volleyball and mens basketball playoffs and boy was it a weekend to remember. It was a triple-header (best 2 out of 3) weekend for both teams and a 3rd game was necessary in both cases. TWUSA (TWU's student association) organized a "Spartan 300" night on Friday and it was a complete success. Instead of me trying to descirbe the amazing-ness of that night I have uploaded a video for you to check out how it all went down! All in all it was a pretty good weekend. The mens basketball won and I believe they have now secured a spot at nationals... however, the mens volleyball took a heartbreaking loss in the 5th set of the last game... Don't worry though, we will be back bigger and better next year!!

PS. You will have to excuse the commentary and screaming in the video... I was just oh, so excited! :) Enjoy!

A year ago today...

A year ago today I embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Looking back, it seems like it was just yesterday I said hello to my new home in cabin 3066 aboard the MV Explorer. Little did I know how life as I knew it would change from then on. I still have yet to grasp the entire experience and I don't know if I ever will. I do miss Semester at Sea and my friends from all over the world... my life has forever been changed and I could not be happier for it! Happy 1 year anniversary, Semester at Sea, Spring 2008!!! There will never be another voyage like ours! :)

"One of the greatest lessons I have learned however, was not from any classroom, or any country specifically. I have simply learned to live. LIVE. Second by second, century by century. One world, a world apart, just live."

Halloween... Trinity Style...

Liz and I at the party in the penthouse

So I was a little late... Liz took this and posted it on my door to make me feel bad!!

Apple Picking with Andrea

This past weekend my friend Andrea and I went to Abbotsford to go apple picking. After making our apple crisp we went out to enjoy the beautiful fall colours of BC. Here are a few pictures from our adventures!